In America, the bus ride is where one thinks. The rest of the spaces you might inhabit are too caught up with their own doings, that they end up neglecting thought. Neon signs flash beneath the widening sky, painting their colors on the set pedestrian paths crisscrossed by a thousand yellow taxis, and you scurrying between them. No one stops. Within the bus, because your motion is guaranteed by (the bus company, the driver, balance sheets, insurance), you have the luxury of thought. Everything else vanishes past your sight like so much preset scenery. To your right, a billboard you do not notice. On your left, a gas station you were already familiar with. And so on.

Hours pass and the scenery does not change. But you do. In the window next to your seat, your reflection beckons you to reconsider life. It is as if you are changing, even though you know that nothing is really moving. The darkness helps. You can manipulate lights and control your reflection (however much of your reflection you see in the window, at least). Then suddenly a trailer truck whizzes by you. It penetrates your cocoon momentarily. But your reflection is still thinking. In the bus your autonomy is preserved.

What about the others in the bus? Everyone is preoccupied, and friends become strangers, next to one another. Respectful distance is maintained between seats. Still, one of you is responsible for the emergency exit - signaled by the presence of white man-shapes running on a black background, stuck onto the window with an arrow marking egress. The exit sign is where your friend is.

If you are sitting next to the exit proper you will notice a lever beside you. Once pulled, you will not return. But if you observe carefully the tunnel gives way to street lamps, and the street lamps eventually reproduce to become skyscrapers, signboards, peoples. Out of the bus now, you are dodging cars, apartments, pedestrians. You are back in the city.

were you someone with an oar
what is exhausted is not tired
the distance in your narrowing eyes
is a solitude i am afraid of

walks run outside no more
this botched scenery of boats and faith
colliding next to a trader made famous
decided we were not the two

a kind of i was still reaching within
when you as a natural day decayed
razed the given museum to some collectibles
we did not think twice to take

the subjectivity in there will be a lounge of mist
no one recognizes another as rain fell between us
smoke knows your face but on your seat you fiddle
accompaniment to him/her

what was ghostly was it a ghost today
humming was it humming someone yesterday
gently slept you who was weeping while i slept
across the floor time that dissolves

no was there any things you could have done
i was told no by why you would not
have say to me to you i am no longer
no more was said because i ran out of me

and what was ghostly were you a dark room
of light and grey and gloss were you not
in mind of not anyone could say for sure
in how of meanings thought became you no longer i

we who we were walked outside
of you and i no more steps less to be said
i am sad but there is no room inside open
and leave quiet calendars

on the earth of tea and crumpets
are dead poets hawkered on wheels

wringing the cloth is your spiritual
is all things within

you could have prayed and eaten well 
a fork that was chopsticks

was she no to you a building repeating itself
he me we crouch against the signboard your lap
ease at some friends over come show i’m not sad
attending yourself in NYC you wander

stop was the no a yes he knows that she’s right
day is not away but it was you who waited
keeps names forgetting forever notes the jazz
glides your sunlight upon unrecognized shades

in bookstore did the boy run out into your arms
prostrated air shot is a neighborhood’s proverb
you are about to ask its resident
is she the yes the you the no the am i in

perhaps she was a tide incoming
and you noted her a sea

you blinded my heart
hates waking up dreaming of one eye 
a half book in your lap too i am the place
for us

now this is nowhere
the mamak and your curses on my bed
sheets burn a chapter renewed lies 
clothes on my floor ashamed

asked you for an excuse 
i don’t want kopi don’t want teh
if you pull hard it gets harder to swallow
the ending alone

am not so alone in the aloofness of alleys
strangers enter on occasion to kindle corners
of your blurring face. some shards
you were as keen as a train becoming distance
us all as the strangest names fell out of your tongue
in Amerika. and silence. took place on

July the 4th moments ended when

bone is apart, the lane is struck off
your forehead and you yell afraid and
peters off into drains. in your mind the colony
is where i am stricken in empty town hall
meetings sprawled magazine hair stands. 
because a trek through crowds cannot reveal you
i was once aware of your sound the wind
in the subway

farewell

fall the farewell of a mountain clawed
a modern road running and engines sounded
delayed i fling the pike off the high wall
blazed an anonymous burial for your streets

well is beaten does the sun go forth and breed
divides and conquer slaves the child before weddings
what does the i trace trickles down wet breaths
returning motions silenced past closed wells of my unknown

you are a town a hand by this countryside
who is the you and us hunting years set free for a living
and jungles underneath law between two natives of the land
us searching for your headlight courting enemies yet across

the connection is knifed what is drawn of webs in this city
life is at the center of us blinded by tendrils of your cave
this human order cuts a rough cloth makes us wear it to decide
in its skeleton distant blood spills inwards capturing amnesty

you on a summit, flags wave drops of rain in your eyes
and the petulance of a goodbye flies, counts
distances too far to erode the wall in between
i am a child of this separation and its family echoing
in the corner look a cloud a child listens our fairy years still collide

So tell me: what is it that creates a path to your story? Is it a house from another century? The sound of a car making its way through roads no one can see? Perhaps the desperate clicking and tapping that accompanies lovers separated by distance and seas?* I gather that one may be deceived by the expectation of futures contained in a past letter, especially since we send them so easily without tear stains, without the dirt of a hand reaching for ink, without fear of unerasable mistakes - but you must concur, slightly longer now and we will be able to simulate the gasps of joy and pain, life and death, notes to your narrative and mine. Unless, the story throws out branches and forks that we cannot comprehend…

*This modern invention, both a curse and a boon - you are together, but only united by words of a most uncertain origin. It’s communication at its lowest ebb, trust in the flimsiest of all still promises - words. Lies, damn lies. Language at its highest form reveals itself to be heartless, without the warmth that only a smile, a gesture, a touch can deliver. What do you do with this realization, anyway? Stop talking in rebellion of the fallen forms of our modern world? But you do realize that love is love, don’t you?

Between you and me

“Oh, I see,” you say, as you lie on the seashore, stretching. The clouds are gathering their thoughts; a few trees whisper, trying to hide from you something you already knew.

“Yes?” I respond. Half-expecting your hair to brush against my shoulder, waiting for its quiet comfort like a breeze. But none forthcoming. Disappointed, I look up into the clear undotted sky, trying to decipher its emptiness, your cipher. Something eerie about clear skies comes to mind, and I shudder, draw my arms away from your moist neck. You reach backwards saying something, but I keep to myself. I think there is an intrusion in the sky. A finger in a closed palm. What is it?

Nothing forthcoming. A clear day ago, you came, and we spend the next on this rocky bed. Occasionally the sand gets in between our pressed bodies, but we notice very little. Beside your chest, a platform for the tiny crabs, the shells, the idle rocks causing a revolution to move one bit. Not that much, but enough to make you turn sideways to face me - blocked by a tangle of hair and weed. I unveil you and pierce the silence above your forehead, and you say to me as softly as I can hear:

Wait a while. Do you know who’s over here? Not really you, is it?

Which I interpret as:

You’re not home today.

In response I flick a pebble between our eyes. None of us moves, but I sense a growing itch. It’s like forcing yourself to not notice that thing in the corner of your eye. Curiosity - of what, I’m not entirely sure - breeds an ocular tick. My lips beside your curved-in ears, I ask:

Maybe you’d like to see the sand somewhere else? Maybe the beach house has caught you wavering?

I wonder - can only wonder - if you have heard me, your sunglasses crashing onto the sand without remorse. You turn your head the other way, presumably to…what, I’m not sure. I maintain a steady gaze of your wet strands, a ninety degree angle made between my chin and the uneven ground, dreaming of the image in your eyes - be it a house, a boat, or another man walking into the sea spray. Or even a seagull picking at the leftovers of a picnic. Who really knows? Between you and me, I don’t.

ketinggalan

tak pernahlah ku berdebat dengan bintang
sehingga menemui mu

mencari kunci yang berlambang gelap
kini pudar dinyalakan zaman purba

tidakkah mu pernah tanya di rumah sepi
apa yang dicerminkan pada mukanya?

sedangkan dia anak bumi dengan arah tentu
dan aku jarum terhilang

katakanlah sedemikian: kurangnya suatu kapal
bersinggah di angkasa tanpa nama…

KL 6


violence

a brief note on violence in KL: being violated and violating are two sides of the same lima puluh sen coin you flip. you can wait with your hands outstretched and wonder if they will ever come to pick you up, the answer is “sometimes, if they’re not drinking tea”.